Here’s some maths for you

Me + tests = the slow destruction of any existing self esteem

I’m fourteen. I am in my first year of senior school (I go to a British school, don’t come at me Americans) which means I am still 2 years away from big exams such as GCSE’s AND 5 years away from biiigggg exams such as IB. So all I have to worry about is end of topic tests and end of year exams. Let’s just say, worrying may be a bit of an understatement.

There are several stages I go through when it is test time. Each stage will be written when I am going through that stage because yay for me, I have an end of topic maths test in 6 days.

I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, perhaps I am writing this to see if anyone is the same as me. And let me highlight, THESE ARE NOT BIG EXAMS. If you stress about GCSE’s then, rest assured, you are fine.

Ever since…ever, I have been more stressed than stressed. The mention of a test (in particular maths tests) has drive me to the brink of sanity, no, left me hanging off the cliff of it.

I think a big part of it is that I am in the top set (a humble brag, but let’s take it as me giving you context) and we have a lot of pressure to be better and naturally smarter than everyone else. What other people don’t understand is that some of us aren’t really Super smart, we have to work hard. And the teacher constantly reminds us of our position and how one bad test could move us down. My parents don’t put any stress on me, they are the most supporting kind parents and I am beyond grateful for that,

Maybe it is completely normal, but everyone in my year knows not the extent of my weird ways. I know this is not a big deal compared to other problems people may deal with, I just find it kind of weird and I just…I HAVE SAID THIS A MILLION TIMES, THIS IS MY BLOG SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT AND I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT MY OBSESSION WITH STUDYING FOR TESTS EVEN THOUGH I HATE IT.

Stage 1: Today I found out I have a maths test. NEXT THURSDAY, you can imagine my reaction. In the classroom, I could barely keep in the tears, my heart began to thump uncontrollably, I checked my Fitbit to see my heart rate plummeting up, my vision blurred, I gulped in the air.

I barely made it through today.

The first stage is me finding out I have a test. Pretty self explanatory, I don’t like tests

Stage 2: today is three days after finding out I have a test. I feel alright, I have studied three topics.

The second stage is me revising in a way that seems logical and organised and brings great satisfaction, I am starting to feel like I have it under control

Stage 3: it’s the same day, the tables have turned. I have stumbled upon a question I can not solve. I have started to break down, this is my third breakdown since finding out about the test.

In this stage, I have managed to convince myself I am going to fail, everyone will hate me, and I will drown in despair of my self loathing. Stage three, is a common stage that may appear randomly in between other stages.

Stage 4: the test is tomorrow. I am currently lying in bed to write this. I have in total: revised for 7 hours, cried six times and convinced myself I will fail (insert biggest number you know) times. I have revised all I believe I can. Now it is up to…whatever you believe in, God, fate, the Flying Spaghetti Monster I don’t know.

This stage is the day before the test. It is me putting my faith in external forces.

Stage 5: The test is in an hour.  Any confidence I had last night has now evaporated. I could barely eat lunch, my hands are shaking and my head is aching as if I am carrying the weight of the entire schools expectations atop it.

In this stage, I am once again ruled by fear. And then, I ready myself for battle.

Stage 6: It is done. I should feel more relieved.

I don’t.

The questions on the test never cease to cling to my memories. I keep repeating them in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done better. Trying to keep my cool around others so as to not freak myself out more.

This stage is nothing but waiting. And lucky for me, today is the last day of school so I have to wait until after Easter. Yay!

Stage 7: This stage, is the stage of me finding out my results and either being simply ecstatic or thrown into the abyss of despair. I was initially planning to actually share my current experiences of my results, but unfortunately, my teacher thought it would be fun to make us wait the entirety of easter, but I want to get my blog up before then so…let’s just say I did well.

So that is the end of that. The tedious cycle is now completed and ready to roll again.

On a slightly more positive note, I just wanted to quickly thank everyone for 50 followers. I am not going to be too cringey and give a whole speech about how you have supported and loved me, but it has made some hard things, slightly more bearable. So thank you, for that.

I hope this was some what interesting. If you are reading this part, it probably somewhat captured your attention?

But…What Do I Know?