relevant

It’s been a while…again

I’ve been thinking a lot about my name. ‘Irrelevant individual’. I’m trying to figure out if it’s hindering my self-growth, or if in some way, it’s reassuring.

Isn’t that how life is? Aren’t we both very relevant in this earth, and yet, at the same time we are completely insignificant. There’s something terrifying, but freeing about that thought.

Excuse my existential panic. I’m on a spiritual journey and it’s forcing its way into every aspect of my life.

It’s just passed my two year anniversary of this blog, and my sixteen year anniversary of life. I got into a school I’ve been dreaming about for years, and I haven’t even been able to celebrate it, the fears of leaving my home are too plaguing. I’ve been reaching out for guidance, looking within and all that spiritual stuff.

Anyways, I would love to talk to anyone on a more personal level. Comment if you want to chat ❤

Oh and would anyone be interested in more spiritual posts?

Recently, I’ve really felt a connection to the name Venus. I might be working on a little rebranding for this account so stay tuned for that hehe.

Venus Anonymous

hey

Hey guys

It’s definitely been a while

It’s been quite the journey, I’m sure we’d all agree.

I’ve definitely changed a lot, looking back on my last blog post, I have the urge to both laugh at how ridiculous I sounded, cringe at how embarrassing it is that that’s on the internet and cry because things were a lot simpler then.

My last blog post wasn’t even a week before one of my closest friend’s dad got diagnosed with COVID and for a week, we waited in agony for my dad’s test results. Thankfully, nothing of the sort happened. I am extremely fortunate that so far, no one I know has been severely impacted (two of my cousins did however catch the virus, but they are fine now)

Lockdown was enlightening. Of course, I don’t mean to sound insensitive to the terrible state of humans all around the world, I am praying that everyone is safe and I thank those who put their life at risk for the safety of others. All I mean is that, the alone time gave me a so much insight and time to finally focus on the scary things that were happening inside of me. (and it wasn’t too bad for the environment either)

The feelings that I no longer had goals, or dreams, or passions; the sense that as lucky as I am to have the life I do, I feel miserable in it. I lack purpose and I hated it.

In quarantine, I gave myself the room to get better. I formed a lot of healthier habits (meditating, exersize, stretching and reading before bed etc) and honestly I had never felt better.

My mind had time to wander. I let myself cry until I was dry, I mourned the death of my younger self that had been so full of life and passion, with the motivation to go for it, and then I healed. And I understood she was gone. And came to accept who I am now.

I don’t know who is still here by now. I’m sure many have changed as a result of all that’s happened. In light of everything, how could we not? But I hope that those that are still here are staying safe and doing alright. Maybe reach out to me and we could be friends? We could all use more of those.

But…What Do I Know?
(ah it’s been too long)

oh no…

I have done the thing that I haven’t done in a very long time.

I have a proper crush on a boy.

It’s actually so embarrassing to say that, but I can’t help it. I haven’t had a proper crush on a boy in a while, I’ve had the occassional small feelings thing that goes away in a few days, but here I am. And I remember exactly why I hated it.

I honestly did miss having a crush for a while, I liked having something to think about. But now that it’s happened, I just want it to go back. Because it turns out, he’s all i think about.

Not only is it a crush, but it’s your stereotypical cute, white boy crush. I haven’t had one of those in five years. But it wasn’t his looks that really drew me to him. He’s just one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, he’s funny and annoying but in a cute way. Talking to him just fills me with so much butterflies and all I want to do is talk more.

But still…I know he doesn’t like me back. Granted it’s only been a week of talking to him, but it feels like my life is over. My self confidence has plummeted, going to school is something I dread again as I am just too scared to see him and have him see my face. I know I’ll never be pretty enough for someone like that.

I hate that I am writing this, I really never understood when girl’s have incessantly talked about boys and crushes. I just couldn’t get it (considering I’m bisexual and spend most of my time crushing on girls), but now I find myself relating to all of it.

I don’t exactly know what I’m writing this down for, I guess it’s supposed to be a typical teenager thing. But…could it not be? Please?

What Do I Know?

Jealous

Jealousy.

How do people control it?

I feel jealousy all the time, majority of my day is spent being bitter and jealous about everything. I can’t help it. I wish I could stop, but it runs through me. It’s quick and nippy, I can’t grasp onto it and control it. So it controls me.

I have it a lot with friends, when I have a friend I really like or become close with. I suddenly get very protective, I have urges to lash out at anyone who tries to act like they’re closer to her than I am.

I don’t like how it makes me. In those moments, jealousy literally posesses me. I become mean. I hate that.

I’ll go out of my way to show them that I am closer, I’ll be thinking about it constantly, the thought of them together without me fills me with rage.

When I see them together, it’s like my insides are shifting. My body doesn’t feel real or right. I feel so angry in a way that overwhelms me.

I guess I’m insecure, I know that. I am honestly so scared that they’ll leave me. When I’m happy I selfishly want it all for myself.

I want to stop, I wish I could be carefree and easy going, but I can’t let go.

I hate talking about this, I hate showing parts of myself that are so real and raw, parts that eat me up inside and make me feel like a horrible person. But it also relieves me to see it onscreen, to know that at least I’m being heard…

Maybe anyone has advice for me? Perhaps you’ve gone through it too. Perhaps you may have gotten over it and have tips.

But…What Do I Know?

Help

So one of my closest friends just told me that she self harms. I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m speechless. I don’t know how to react or say or do.

I could really use some advice from anyone who has gone through it or seen a Friend go through it. I want to know the right thing to say.

Hair

It started three weeks ago.

I got my hair cut shorter. Shoulder length.

Where I live, the weather is pretty humid, so I’m used to my hair being puffy and generally not nice looking. But then…I discovered that if I didn’t wash my hair for a few days, my hair got a lot less dry and started to actually look quite nice. It was no longer puffy and I was feeling really good.

Needless to say, it got a little out of hand. I had three science tests so I started to study every night. The duration I went without washing my hair became longer and longer. Partly because it looked better that way, partly because I didn’t have any time to wash my hair with all my studying.

But I started to realise that it no longer looked better. My scalp was oily and full of dandruff and dirt, it even started to itch quite bad. I was now washing my hair once a week.

I knew it was disgusting and I was so embarrassed, but I told myself that I just needed to get through these exams. Once they were done, I could focus on my hygiene.

But I finished the tests and this time I told myself I wanted to relax and I was too lazy to shower.

So me and my mom went to watch TV together, it was nice, we were enjoying the show but then…my head started getting really itchy. I started scratching, at first I thought it would go away but it didn’t. I started scratching and scratching. It started to get a little painful.

As I was scratching, a huge lump of hair fell out. It wasn’t huge but it wasn’t normal.

My heart started racing. I excused myself and went up to shower. Figuring it was probably a good idea.

I started to shower, getting my shampoo and rubbing it into my scalp. I wanted to get a really good clean.

But then, I noticed that more hair was falling out. I looked down to my feet to see clumps and clumps of hair falling out. Lumps just going down the drain.

Stray hairs falling out every time I ran my hand through my hair.

I stopped the water, not caring that I hadn’t washed all the shampoo out of my hair. I was freaking out, my body was shaking, goosebumps crawled up my arm.

I reached for the towel and wrapped it around myself. I walked over to the mirror and looked at my hair. I was terrified to touch it.

I turned around and saw that a clump of hair that had just fallen out had stuck to my back and when i touched my hair, more strands came out. I started to freak out, tears coming to my eyes.

I walked outside my room, water trailing across the floors. I called for my mom, it was late and she was tired.

I told her what happened, she started to yell. Telling me I never priorotized my body or my hygiene. Saying that I spent too much time studying while the world passed me by.

She started pulling the loose strands from my head, putting it in the sink. After a few minutes, she had already collected quite a lot. She got a hairdryer and started blowing my hair.

At this point, I was in full blown tears. Crying and crying and crying. I was so scared, not quite sure exactly what I was scared of, but I was scared.

My mom stopped yelling at this point, she could tell I was scared enough. She brought me into her arms and hugged me, I cried into her shoulder.

When she was finally finished blowing my hair and I had finished crying, we lay in bed together and discussed how I was to prevent this from happening again.

I can’t explain the fear I felt. It might be meager to you, but it was truly terrifying for me.

It’s been a week now, I just came back from the doctor and I think I will be alright.

But…What Do I Know?

Adulthood murders our imagination

We lose our creativity more and more everyday.

As we grow up, the world around us forces it out of us. We learn to thing logically instead of considering all the possible outcomes. We think using a convergent mindset instead of a divergent one.

Instead of allowing our mind to come up with hundreds of different solutions for a problem, we have been taught to think: We can’t do this. This isn’t possible. This is too expensive. This breaks the rules. This goes against policy etc.

Instead of spending time painting what we want, or playing childish games, we critisize ourself, put ourselves down, say that our work isn’t good enough, say that it has to be better. We don’t accept the raw beauty of our creativity.

Even as a child, I had vivid dreams. I would dream of new worlds, talking animals, alternate universes where nothing made sense. But the dreams started to fade, I don’t know when it was that I had my last dream. I don’t remember any of my dreams for over a year now, which is crazy as some of my childhood ones stick to me to this day.

As a child, I feared so much. Zombies, kidnappers, death, monsters, dolls, killers hiding in my closet. And as scary as all of that was, as terrifying as it was being kept up for hours, scared to death that something would reach out from under my bed and grab me, I was imagining. But as I grew up, my parents told me that I was being silly, childish. There is no such thing as monsters, no one is under your bed, no one is in your closet. Then I stopped, I stopped being scared. I grew up.

I used to draw, and write, and play, and dance. I made up stories on end about completely different things, I didn’t care about what other people thought, creativity just flowed through me. Even a few years ago, I made up a character and would spend most of my time making videos about her life. But I haven’t written a story in months, I quit dancing, I criticise all my drawings.

There used to be so much to me, but the more I grew up, the less I used my creativity. It’s gone.

School’s use fear as a motivation to work, they want you to be scared of failing, scared of falling behind, scared of disappointing. We use so little of our brains while under fear, it isn’t worth our while.

In a TED talk I found (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfKMq-rYtnc), they did a study to see what percentage of different age groups are creative genius’s. They wanted to see how many of the kids came up with new and innovative ideas. For kids age 4-5, they found that 98% of the kids were creative genius’s. For kids aged 10, they found that 30% of kids were creative genius’s, for kids aged 15, only 12% and for adults, only 2% were found to be creative genius’s.

This is absurd, the proof is right in front of us. The world murders our creativity.

So how do we get it back?

We need to make a few realisations: First that everyone is creative. All humans have millions of brain cells interacting with eachother, every single person has creativity within them. They just haven’t learnt how to use it.

Second that creativity isn’t just imagination, creativity requires logic, colour, shape, thinking. It uses our whole brain.

Third, that we need creativity of thought. We should never be stuck in the mindset that the way we think is just the way we think. We need t think about all the different ways we can look at it.

Next are a few proper exersizes you can do, I found them from this TED Talk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-YScywp6AU at around 11:33) yes, I am slightly addicted tot TED talks now.

First, he suggested that when you’re brushing your teeth, look at the toothbrush and think of three random words that have nothing to do with the toothbrush at all. Every night, keep on doing that, and eventually, your brain will be able to generate random words at a much faster pace.

Second, every 90 minutes in your sleep, you go into the REM stage where youb are dreaming. What they tried out, was doing something very particular before sleeping (they played Tetris) and then were woken up on a 90 minute schedule. They asked what the studies had dreamt about, and they all had some link to Tetris. So, he suggests doing something before sleeping and then waking up 90 minutes later and recording what you dreamt about, as unconnected as you think it is.

Third, when you are faced with a problem, go onto Wikepedia and click on random article. This will bring you a random article about anything, and find a link between that article and your problem.

We are all creative. Don’t forget that. If you’ve made it this far, maybe I could have helped in some way.

But…What Do I Know?

It’s been a year…

It’s been a year.
Wow.

I’m not sure what exactly to say, this date doesn’t mean anything to anyone else, but a year ago, I started this blog as a way to vent. I have really enjoyed writing, but I don’t think I did justice to what I imagined this blog to be.

That’s why I want to try harder.

That’s why I want to ask you.

In a year, I have gained over a hundered followers and I am extremely surprised so many people are interested in my thoughts. But thats the thing. Are they?

I want to ask you right now, if you enjoy this blog. Do you want me to write more? Is there things you want me to talk about?

I would like to write more, I just want to know how many people want to read it.

So all I want to know is: do you enjoy reading my blog?

Just tell me in the comments if you do. Tell me if you want me to write more, or anything that you want me to talk about. Even if there is one single person who would like that, I will do it for them.

And who knows, maybe there is someone out there who finds comfort here.

But…What Do I Know?

lonely

Sometimes I feel so fucking lonely…

It’s my own fault but it doesn’t stop me from hating the world for it.

The thing is, I think everyone is pretty lonely. The thing is, everyone is pretty damn sad. We all have deep dark twisted feelings inside of us, every single one of us.

I think that is supposed to make me feel better, because I’m not alone in my aloneness. But it just makes me feel worse. Like there’s nothing to look for, no one to care.

Everyone has their own problems, no one wants to hear about mine. Everyone paints pictures of how sad their life is, how ‘depressed’ they are, how much ‘anxiety’ they have. What do they even mean anymore, if people are just going to throw those words around for fun now. Those words don’t even have meaning anymore, people sucked it all out.

My life isn’t even sad, I have amazing opportunities, a wonderful family, good things, but I don’t feel like a good thing. I feel so empty inside, I go to school and try not to care that I have no real friends, I try not to feel hurt when weeks pass that I don’t talk to my best friend in Japan, I try to move on when I go to bed after fighting with my parents.

This just brings back the point that none of this is irrelevant, everyone has bad points, all I can hope is that this is mine. This is a bad point, that means it has to get better. The loneliness will have to go away.

But…what do I know?

when does it end?

When does it end?

That’s a question I find myself asking everyday. Even when it’s not cried out with my head in my hands, it’s still there. It’s a question that consumes me.

I am at that point in school, in life where it feels like the cycle is never ending. Start school year, study, stress, study, stress, learn, exams, start school year. It’s on going. I don’t see any silver lining.

Now I always like to stress, that I know I have an amazing life. I am fortunate, I have amazing parents, everything is good, and I would hate to sound like the ungrateful brat who thinks her problems are superior. But I have also stressed that this is my place to talk, so hopefully, you can respect that.

I remember this feeling started a couple years ago, but after a year, I found myself able to move on from that and just try to enjoy life going forward. But now, my younger brother is in the same stage that I was then. The same age as when I started feeling it. I can see it’s starting to affect him. He hardly smiles or laughs anymore, he isn’t as kind and patient as he was, he seems miserable. I want to help him, but it’s hard when all I can see in him is myself. And slowly, the feeling starts the creep back. The question starts to feast on my mind.

When does it end? When does it end? When does it end?

My Mum always comments on how glad she is that I’m so much happier than I was two years ago, I don’t want to disappoint her when she finds out I haven’t moved on at all. I’m still the same.

I guess I’ve always tried to tell myself that it will end when school is over, when I can leave this place and never come back. I tell myself that the reason I don’t live life is because right now, I just need to keep my head down and keep studying. I convince myself that it will all be over in a few years.

But what happens after that? I can’t keep pretending that I can outrun my problems, that being out of school will stop me getting anxious over small things, will help me build stronger friendships, that it will allow me to be a better, happier person. If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that my problems will never really be gone until I’ve overcome them.

Won’t university be the same? Will I just tell myself that once I’m done with uni, everything will be better. Won’t working be the same? What is there to look forward to when all I see is a future of repeating things and hoping there’s a better outcome? Because that is the literal definition of insanity.

Just to clarify, I’m not suicidal. I’m just curious. I just want to know when it ends.

Maybe you can relate to me, maybe you understand. Maybe you know from experience that it does end.

But….What Do I Know?