Tag scared

Hair

butwhatdoiknow? 2 Comments

It started three weeks ago.

I got my hair cut shorter. Shoulder length.

Where I live, the weather is pretty humid, so I’m used to my hair being puffy and generally not nice looking. But then…I discovered that if I didn’t wash my hair for a few days, my hair got a lot less dry and started to actually look quite nice. It was no longer puffy and I was feeling really good.

Needless to say, it got a little out of hand. I had three science tests so I started to study every night. The duration I went without washing my hair became longer and longer. Partly because it looked better that way, partly because I didn’t have any time to wash my hair with all my studying.

But I started to realise that it no longer looked better. My scalp was oily and full of dandruff and dirt, it even started to itch quite bad. I was now washing my hair once a week.

I knew it was disgusting and I was so embarrassed, but I told myself that I just needed to get through these exams. Once they were done, I could focus on my hygiene.

But I finished the tests and this time I told myself I wanted to relax and I was too lazy to shower.

So me and my mom went to watch TV together, it was nice, we were enjoying the show but then…my head started getting really itchy. I started scratching, at first I thought it would go away but it didn’t. I started scratching and scratching. It started to get a little painful.

As I was scratching, a huge lump of hair fell out. It wasn’t huge but it wasn’t normal.

My heart started racing. I excused myself and went up to shower. Figuring it was probably a good idea.

I started to shower, getting my shampoo and rubbing it into my scalp. I wanted to get a really good clean.

But then, I noticed that more hair was falling out. I looked down to my feet to see clumps and clumps of hair falling out. Lumps just going down the drain.

Stray hairs falling out every time I ran my hand through my hair.

I stopped the water, not caring that I hadn’t washed all the shampoo out of my hair. I was freaking out, my body was shaking, goosebumps crawled up my arm.

I reached for the towel and wrapped it around myself. I walked over to the mirror and looked at my hair. I was terrified to touch it.

I turned around and saw that a clump of hair that had just fallen out had stuck to my back and when i touched my hair, more strands came out. I started to freak out, tears coming to my eyes.

I walked outside my room, water trailing across the floors. I called for my mom, it was late and she was tired.

I told her what happened, she started to yell. Telling me I never priorotized my body or my hygiene. Saying that I spent too much time studying while the world passed me by.

She started pulling the loose strands from my head, putting it in the sink. After a few minutes, she had already collected quite a lot. She got a hairdryer and started blowing my hair.

At this point, I was in full blown tears. Crying and crying and crying. I was so scared, not quite sure exactly what I was scared of, but I was scared.

My mom stopped yelling at this point, she could tell I was scared enough. She brought me into her arms and hugged me, I cried into her shoulder.

When she was finally finished blowing my hair and I had finished crying, we lay in bed together and discussed how I was to prevent this from happening again.

I can’t explain the fear I felt. It might be meager to you, but it was truly terrifying for me.

It’s been a week now, I just came back from the doctor and I think I will be alright.

But…What Do I Know?

My Fears of Blogging

butwhatdoiknow? 2 Comments

I am going to be honest. Starting this blog, is one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. The battle of the mind has forces much stronger than anything I have had to face physically. But seeing as I am still an adolescent, I am sure without a doubt that I will encounter challenges I could never even see becoming a problem.

Of course, starting a blog, I feared the usual:

-Unbearing hate

-Failure

-Realising that I am a failure

And, out of all the first popped into my mind fears, probably the most terrifying to me:

-Nobody reading or liking my blogs.

Maybe these are just me. But from- I would say about every unsure comment about fears of starting blogs-I am not alone.

So I am going to start with “Nobody reading or liking my blogs” I will give a quick background info check even though probably nobody is going to be reading my blog about how I am scared that nobody is going to be reading my blogs so I doubt anyone cares.

I have wanted to be an author since five years old. Developing of age, that passion and determination defined me. Growing up, where all my friends want to be docters and artists and football players and actors, I have always prided myself in a seemingly unique and rare aspiration. But when I finally crawled out of my den of online uncertainty and started reading other blogs and talking to other aspiring writers, I found out that maybe I am not as “unique” as I have grown up believing I am. Even admitting this is already very scary to me.

I am frightened that maybe I will realise my writing really isn’t that good in the scope of online authors. And if I can’t be successful here, how would I ever be successful in publishing books. But the scarier part is that, knowing I am not the only one with what I believed to be writing talents, I felt the sudden need to have something more than just a desire. Just a talent.

I wanted to be different.

And I suppose I ended up here. I want something more to define me. I want to find me.

That leads on to my next fear I developed after climbing aboard the you are destined to fail train. Next stop! Finding myself.

I explained this rather briefly in my first blog where I noted on my worry of finding myself. This is definitely not the last time I will talk about this as this is a big topic for me that I believe has relevance to everyone in their own ways. I have always tried to imitate the traits I admire in my best friends, this is one of my biggest weaknesses, and even though starting a blog surfaced many fears, one of the things I was proud of, was that this was started of my will. I wasn’t following a trend, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. I was trying to be me. And I hope, the more I write coming from me, the more I can continue on my journey on discovering who that is. In my belief, we never stop that expedition on finding ourselves. I believe our characters are all so full of depth, until the day we die we still have not fully uncovered the spectrum that is us. But right now, I have only started my trek. I have only ventured a few steps into the vast world.

Authenticity. As simple as it sounds, it is quite the opposite when trying to carry out.

I am quite terrified that my habits of, letting the influence of the people around me shape my character, will branch out here, to where I may lose myself once again and write not what I want to write, but what I think you want to read. And I don’t know if I am strong enough to stay true to myself and write from my heart. Write what I want to write. Even if no one likes my writing. I am just not sure if I can take the denial…

My final point is more of a fear that I will be judged too quick. I am only fourteen years old and I worry people will not want to finish reading anything I write because I am “too young” and what I say won’t matter. I want to have a voice, but I won’t even be able to speak if I am judged for my age. My hope is I can reach out to other people, and that people my age can relate to me, however, words seem to matter more when it is from a better educated adult.

All that being said. I am not in it for money. Not for business. Not for profit. My sole purpose is to connect with myself, and connect with other people who may feel the same. I have often felt so completely solitary in the ways of my mind. I just want other people in my similar position to know that they are not alone.

But, I am only fourteen. So… What Do I Know?