A lot has happened.

First

I told my mom about my blog. It was the first person in my life that I have told about it. I know my blog isn’t very big, so it wasn’t really a big deal, but she was very proud of me and supported me. I didn’t tell her the blog name because I have really enjoyed writing to a completely anonymous audience. But it did made the blog finally seem real.

Second

I have been going through a blogging phase and I don’t think I am the only one. I just feel as if, nothing I post is interesting enough. No random thought or interesting day will satisfy other bloggers and readers. I have plenty to talk about, but nothing seems good enough. What goes on in the head of a mere 14 year old girl, will not please people on such a platform filled with wonderful, talented and riveting other writers. I want my blog to be unique, but not in a way people will find it too out there. I want to stay true to myself while still posting content that others will truly enjoy. How do others enjoy my writing when I can’t enjoy writing it?

Third

Last school year wasn’t a great year. See it as me being an overdramatic teen or an exaggeration if you will. But in my, I have to say, very fortunate life, last year challenged me mentally. I was hoping this school year would be different. I went into it with positive spirits, it all started out great and then went down hill from there. My first math test results of the year was way below my expectations, my best friend told me she had a crush on one of our other close friends and I became less relevant to her life, my friendship group got torn into half and now there is only one person who I trust, I developed a major fear, my insomnia came back and things with my mom haven’t been great. From all this happening, I have developed a new emotion that is breaking me inside and out. It is the feeling of complete despair and sadness mixed with the sensation of absolutely nothing. I feel so empty and dismal at the same time. I won’t go so far as to say it is depression because after reading a lot of people’s blogs on that, I don’t think what I am feeling is as severe as that. There is just too much to stress about and so the feeling has become as customary as my shadow.

Fourth.

I just went on a climbing trip with my school. Me and a few friends travelled for four hours and then we participated in a climbing competition with other schools. I wanted to put that out there because I am not a very sporty person, and I would never dream of signing myself up for a competition that involves physical activity. But when I was halfway up the mountain, and I took a moment to look down, I was filled with a sense of freedom and fulfilment. Even for a moment, I had broken away from the business and instead look down upon it. It was a very inspiring trip for me. I don’t expect anything I say could get you to do something out of your comfort zone, but maybe you could find a way to motivate yourself.

Fifth

I have found that I am always so angry nowadays. Between my friends, my parents, my peers and online people, I am just constantly filled with a lot of rage. Whats more, I have to go against my nature and try to suppress it instead of dealing with it because I know confronting everything that vexes me will just cause more trouble. But it never really goes away. It can never really be suppressed. So it builds up slowly over time and I spend everyday fearing that I cannot contain so much hateful emotion without it bursting out of me and causing more damage than it would have before.

I don’t need anyone to answer. I do not seek pity. I only seek a space that I can call my own, and I have found it here.

But…What Do I Know?