Tag school

when does it end?

butwhatdoiknow? 13 Comments

When does it end?

That’s a question I find myself asking everyday. Even when it’s not cried out with my head in my hands, it’s still there. It’s a question that consumes me.

I am at that point in school, in life where it feels like the cycle is never ending. Start school year, study, stress, study, stress, learn, exams, start school year. It’s on going. I don’t see any silver lining.

Now I always like to stress, that I know I have an amazing life. I am fortunate, I have amazing parents, everything is good, and I would hate to sound like the ungrateful brat who thinks her problems are superior. But I have also stressed that this is my place to talk, so hopefully, you can respect that.

I remember this feeling started a couple years ago, but after a year, I found myself able to move on from that and just try to enjoy life going forward. But now, my younger brother is in the same stage that I was then. The same age as when I started feeling it. I can see it’s starting to affect him. He hardly smiles or laughs anymore, he isn’t as kind and patient as he was, he seems miserable. I want to help him, but it’s hard when all I can see in him is myself. And slowly, the feeling starts the creep back. The question starts to feast on my mind.

When does it end? When does it end? When does it end?

My Mum always comments on how glad she is that I’m so much happier than I was two years ago, I don’t want to disappoint her when she finds out I haven’t moved on at all. I’m still the same.

I guess I’ve always tried to tell myself that it will end when school is over, when I can leave this place and never come back. I tell myself that the reason I don’t live life is because right now, I just need to keep my head down and keep studying. I convince myself that it will all be over in a few years.

But what happens after that? I can’t keep pretending that I can outrun my problems, that being out of school will stop me getting anxious over small things, will help me build stronger friendships, that it will allow me to be a better, happier person. If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that my problems will never really be gone until I’ve overcome them.

Won’t university be the same? Will I just tell myself that once I’m done with uni, everything will be better. Won’t working be the same? What is there to look forward to when all I see is a future of repeating things and hoping there’s a better outcome? Because that is the literal definition of insanity.

Just to clarify, I’m not suicidal. I’m just curious. I just want to know when it ends.

Maybe you can relate to me, maybe you understand. Maybe you know from experience that it does end.

But….What Do I Know?

Summertime Sadness

butwhatdoiknow? 10 Comments

Sometimes people just disappear. They’re there one moment, and then their gone. I mean they’re still there, but they’re just gone.

When I have my summertime sadness, I disappear too. I can be sitting at the table, eating, smiling, but I am gone. I could be making jokes, but I am empty.

Things that are yet to come suck the remaining parts of me away, the thought of starting school, the thought of taking my math GCSE one year early, the thought of trying to go through school without my best friend.

I don’t know why I feel so sad when this has been such a productive summer in which I have completed multiple achievements. So let’s take some time to talk about those:

Firstly, I re-painted my entire room. My room is pretty big so it took six days to finish. I would wake up, get the paint and then…paint. For hours on end, the finishing product was good. Rather patchy, but ultimately good. I just felt like I needed a change because the person who chose the pink room is gone. She has disappeared.

Next, I started writing a book. I have never gotten as far as I am now to writing a decent lengthed story. It will still be a short story but to me, it is a proper book. However, I am have a midlife crisis of sorts. Since five, I have wanted to be an author. Growing up, I have never considered anything more. Never once had a doubt that I could do it. But as I sit here, days on end, writing my story, its safe to say the doubts are closing in on me. As I write, I lose inspiration in my story, I find it hard to force myself to write, I find it hard to look at the empty words. It terrifies me to think that I may not be cut out for writing.

Thirdly, I got a job! Kind of. It’s more of a taste of job experience. I am an intern working to help with social media marketing for a music festival. I am so grateful for the opportunity I was given to practice my writing with professionals. I feel very satisfied each day as I watch the posts that I have written go up on instagram.

In addition, I am teaching my self french! If you have had any experience with self teaching a language, I would love some help. The first four days, I woke up and would spent hours going through the lessons on Duolingo and Busuu. But, as the days passed, I found myself spending less and less time on it. I love the idea of learning french myself because I hate my french teacher and find myself dreading french lessons, but, my mom thinks I need to learn french because IB chinese might be too difficult and I might want to have a backup language. I truly don’t know what to do as I fear I do not have enough motivation to learn french by myself.

Finally, I GOT BRACES!! After two years of waiting, I finally lay in the chair as four scary masked faces got real close and touched my teeth in every way possible. There was a little problem. I got the wrong colour. Yep. When they asked me what colour I wanted, it was during the middle of the operation. Which was a little absurd. In addition, when they asked me to point to the colour on the chart, I was wearing tinted glasses. So what looked like blue to me, was actually bright green. Now I’m fine with a bit of a fashion statement, but GREEN? I know people don’t really care if you have braces and I’m not that self concious. But it terrifies me that it will be so obvious. I am so scared everyone will judge me at school, thinking that in my right state of mind, I chose to have green braces. Apart from that, the pain has been pretty bad and I have a myriad of stinging ulsers. My dentist told me nothing about what I can’t or can eat, how to brush or floss with braces, what I should buy or…anything I was expecting to know. So I had to rely on the internet, which is never the best place to go for health research. I started getting paranoid about stains and now I spend twenty minutes cleaning my teeth. And of course, I can’t eat anything except soup. So that’s great.

School is coming up in two weeks and everytime I think about it, I want to crawl into the cracks of my room and never come out. Once again, my little problems about my dramatic teenage life probably doesn’t interest many people, but if you’re reading this…at least I succeeded in something. Perhaps you have been through one of these things and would care to advise me.

But…What Do I Know?