when does it end?

butwhatdoiknow?

When does it end?

That’s a question I find myself asking everyday. Even when it’s not cried out with my head in my hands, it’s still there. It’s a question that consumes me.

I am at that point in school, in life where it feels like the cycle is never ending. Start school year, study, stress, study, stress, learn, exams, start school year. It’s on going. I don’t see any silver lining.

Now I always like to stress, that I know I have an amazing life. I am fortunate, I have amazing parents, everything is good, and I would hate to sound like the ungrateful brat who thinks her problems are superior. But I have also stressed that this is my place to talk, so hopefully, you can respect that.

I remember this feeling started a couple years ago, but after a year, I found myself able to move on from that and just try to enjoy life going forward. But now, my younger brother is in the same stage that I was then. The same age as when I started feeling it. I can see it’s starting to affect him. He hardly smiles or laughs anymore, he isn’t as kind and patient as he was, he seems miserable. I want to help him, but it’s hard when all I can see in him is myself. And slowly, the feeling starts the creep back. The question starts to feast on my mind.

When does it end? When does it end? When does it end?

My Mum always comments on how glad she is that I’m so much happier than I was two years ago, I don’t want to disappoint her when she finds out I haven’t moved on at all. I’m still the same.

I guess I’ve always tried to tell myself that it will end when school is over, when I can leave this place and never come back. I tell myself that the reason I don’t live life is because right now, I just need to keep my head down and keep studying. I convince myself that it will all be over in a few years.

But what happens after that? I can’t keep pretending that I can outrun my problems, that being out of school will stop me getting anxious over small things, will help me build stronger friendships, that it will allow me to be a better, happier person. If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that my problems will never really be gone until I’ve overcome them.

Won’t university be the same? Will I just tell myself that once I’m done with uni, everything will be better. Won’t working be the same? What is there to look forward to when all I see is a future of repeating things and hoping there’s a better outcome? Because that is the literal definition of insanity.

Just to clarify, I’m not suicidal. I’m just curious. I just want to know when it ends.

Maybe you can relate to me, maybe you understand. Maybe you know from experience that it does end.

But….What Do I Know?

13 thoughts on “when does it end?”

  1. Life, itself, is a cycle.
    I’m not too sure when our life’s loop ends, since I’m feeling the same thing every day.

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  2. There is always a silver lining, there is always hope, there is always a reason.
    This stress that you are feeling won’t go away until you learn how to cope with it, to embrace it and to see how lucky you are to have the opportunities you have! If you keep focusing on the future and not the present moment, you’re going to miss all of the magic that is happening right now.
    Instead of having expectations for the future, practice appreciating what you have right now.
    Oh, and tell your mom. Say that you still experience those feelings from before but that you are working on controlling them! She loves you more than you know.

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  4. I don’t think it ever ends, but it can get better. People say it “will” or it “does” but the truth is that it “can”, its not guaranteed, you have to take it into your own hands. I’ve heard anxiety is actually your mind trying to motivate you to change something. From your post I can tell that you don’t think you can change much right now, but changing the way you think can make pretty much anything better. It’s a process called cognitive behavioral therapy and it’s helping me greatly.

    I don’t know your opinions on the subject or if you’d be comfortable doing this, but if you live in the States your county’s human services department might have mental health counseling services available. It could be worth checking into, but…

    What do I know?

    Sorry for stealing your thing, but…I don’t know, it just worked.

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    1. Haha thank you so much! Yeah I have found that it works, I’m okay I just needed to write this post on a bad day but I’m hanging in there. Life truly is full of ‘what do i knows’. Thanks for your comment 🙂

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      1. Whoo, I’m relieved that you liked it! I was a little worried it came off kind of condescending and I didn’t mean it that way at all. I’m just really enthusiastic about counseling right now and got a little carried away. 😅 I’m glad I made you laugh and that you’re okay!

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  5. tbh, im feel you where your at, cause im at the same spot some days, today seems like one of those days for me right now…tbh, i think we are asking ourselves the wrong question, not ‘when does it end?’ but. ‘when does it begin?’ i think once we overcome the phase we are going through, we move on from where we are stuck at in life, wherever that is…your not alone, your not the only one who feels this way, so hang in there.

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