Jealousy.
How do people control it?
I feel jealousy all the time, majority of my day is spent being bitter and jealous about everything. I can’t help it. I wish I could stop, but it runs through me. It’s quick and nippy, I can’t grasp onto it and control it. So it controls me.
I have it a lot with friends, when I have a friend I really like or become close with. I suddenly get very protective, I have urges to lash out at anyone who tries to act like they’re closer to her than I am.
I don’t like how it makes me. In those moments, jealousy literally posesses me. I become mean. I hate that.
I’ll go out of my way to show them that I am closer, I’ll be thinking about it constantly, the thought of them together without me fills me with rage.
When I see them together, it’s like my insides are shifting. My body doesn’t feel real or right. I feel so angry in a way that overwhelms me.
I guess I’m insecure, I know that. I am honestly so scared that they’ll leave me. When I’m happy I selfishly want it all for myself.
I want to stop, I wish I could be carefree and easy going, but I can’t let go.
I hate talking about this, I hate showing parts of myself that are so real and raw, parts that eat me up inside and make me feel like a horrible person. But it also relieves me to see it onscreen, to know that at least I’m being heard…
Maybe anyone has advice for me? Perhaps you’ve gone through it too. Perhaps you may have gotten over it and have tips.
But…What Do I Know?
But What Do I Know? 
Most of the times, I don’t actually feel anything of the type.
The only times I feel it is when I see a friend being too close to their friends (besides me). Although, by that point, what I feel isn’t friendship. It’s something close to possessiveness.
I try not to be like that. When I think of such things, I think to myself. Like, “What good would it bring to me if I tried to get in between their friendship? Wouldn’t that make them hate me? I don’t want that.” or “They have their own freedom. I won’t try to breach their privacy just because I feel a little envious.” or “If they feel like they want to talk to someone else, that’s alright. They’re thoughts I have, too.”
It’s not about controlling it. We’re humans. We’re jealous and envious creatures. It’s natural, so to say.
It’s about not acting on these jealous urges or impulses, accepting that you’re jealous and moving on with life. Interfering with their friendships might cause you to lose a friend that you care about.
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